


If You Had to Choose

by avxry



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: College AU, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Misunderstanding, Nonbinary Lafayette, Secrets, Thomas is clueless, a very brief mention of polyamory because that's my shit, cursing, kind of, of course, thomas is a mess, unspecified grocery store
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-12 05:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11154795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avxry/pseuds/avxry
Summary: Thomas is in love with Hamilton. But also there's this really cute girl at the store, and he's pretty sure he loves her too, which is wild. His biggest problem should be choosing between the two, but then Hamilton's friends get involved, and it's a big mess. Thomas just wants answers.





	If You Had to Choose

**Author's Note:**

> i got this idea from that prompt post on tumblr about the genderfluid character. u know the one i'm talking about 
> 
> i wrote this on wordpad with no spellcheck, please forgive typos
> 
> hope you enjoy!!

Thomas Jefferson likes to think of himself as the type of person who doesn't fall in love on a whim -- which is usually true.

But listen: there's this girl over at register four, and Thomas is pretty sure that he's head over heels already, and he hasn't even gotten in her line yet. She's beautiful. She's wearing a full face of makeup, highlighter, contour, eyebrows, lipstick, eyeliner, the works, and Thomas loves every bit of it. Her hair is curled and pulled up into a loose ponytail, strands falling out around her ears and forehead.

She looks almost achingly, beautifully familiar.

He raises an eyebrow, his mouth hanging open just enough to catch a draft, and walks toward her line, which is quickly filling up. He rushes to fit himself into a spot, trying to catch the girl's eye and smirk at her, maybe wink if he's feeling particularly brave. She looks over at him once, and she seems annoyed at first, and then confused when Thomas gives her a flirtatious look.

He sets his items on the conveyor belt and walks up to the little counter, preparing his cash. He spots her nametag and smiles flirtily.

"Alex?" he asks raising an eyebrow.

She looks at him oddly, even more confused than before. Thomas thinks maybe she just has self esteem issues.

"Yes?" she replies, and Thomas leans forward.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing working here?" Thomas flirts, giving her a wink. To his enjoyment, she blushes and giggles to herself, but as she rings up his items, her movements are awkward, as if she's on her guard and still worried that she's misunderstanding this interaction.

"Uh, I need money?" Alex jokes, avoiding Thomas's gaze. "What's someone like you _shopping_ here?"

Thomas smirks again. "Needed to run some errands." He looks down at his bags, one filled with chocolate and the toppings for an ice cream sundae, and the other filled with a package of maxipads. "For my friend James," he expains, then raises an eyebrow cockily, "not for a girlfriend."

Alex raises her eyebrows in surprise. "James is --?"

Thomas waits for her to finish her sentence, but she never does, instead stopping completely and giving him the price of his purchase. He forks over the cash and smiles at her again.

"Any chance I could see you again?"

Alex still looks confused and a little uncomfortable. "Uh, class? And here every weekend?"

"Every weekend, huh?" Thomas grins, ignoring Alex's first answer, because the important thing is that he can come back next weekend and next weekend until he wins her over, because she's beautiful and he has to at least try.

"Yep, all of 'em," Alex answers sarcastically, and Thomas loves it.

"I'll see you then," he smirks, grabbing his bag and taking his receipt. Their hands brush, and there's almost something familiar in her glance, in her fingers, but it's not strong enough to place. He walks away, definitely planning on coming back.

***

He thinks about Alex so much that he almost forgets about his stupid little infatuation with that annoying hypocrite in his PoliSci class. Almost.

He walks in, still thinking about Alex a little, but his mind stops when he sees Hamilton, sitting on top of his desk and talking to his little buddies, John Laurens, Hercules Mulligan, and Gilbert Lafayette.

He's so annoyed by Hamilton's presence that for just a moment, he forgets that he's totally in love with him.

He rolls his eyes and goes to the other side of the room to sit with James Madison and Aaron Burr (who was never actually invited to sit with them). James nods at him and drops his head down onto his desk, clearly still not feeling well. Thomas is grateful that he can't relate.

"Doing any better?" he asks anyway, and James' only response is a gutteral groan into his folded arms.

Aaron starts talking about something, but Thomas isn't paying attention. He rubs James' shoulders comfortingly and sneaks glances at Hamilton, who seems to looking between him and James.

Thomas shrugs it off and tries to imagine himself with Alex from the store instead of Hamilton. It doesn't work very well.

***

After another week, Thomas returns to the store to buy some bullshit items just so he can see Alex again, maybe get more of a reaction out of her. After some thought, he decided that he definitely came off too strong the first time, and this time around, he's going to go for a much more genuine approach.

He holds a basket with a few bags of candy, some new animated Disney movie, a plush throw blanket because why the hell not, and a box of popcorn.

He gets up to the register and smiles at Alex. "I'm back."

Alex raises an eyebrow. "I see that. Planning a movie night?"

Alex seems much more relaxed this time, and Thomas wonders if maybe last time, it wasn't him at all, it was just some outlying factor. The thought makes him smile.

"Something like that," Thomas shrugs, then raises a flirty eyebrow at her. "You're invited."

Alex snorts. "I appreciate it."

"I'm serious," Thomas says, but there's a joking tone in his voice anyway. "I'm not a murderer or anything."

"Oh, thanks for telling me," Alex rolls her eyes, but she's smiling just a little.

Thomas thinks to himself that maybe he's getting somewhere. "I'm a gentleman; I would never lie about my intentions."

Alex gives him a look that says she knows better. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Scout's honor," Thomas jokes, hand in the air.

"You weren't a boyscout," Alex shakes her head.

"How do you know?"

She seems caught off guard at the question, as if she's been caught in a lie. "Oh - oh, um, I don't know, lucky guess, ha."

Thomas eyes her curiously, but he's still smiling. She's so cute and awkward, but feisty, he can see it in her eyes -- which look strangely familiar. He's seen them before, definitely, he's sure of it, they look almost like --

"So," Alex begins, "your total is thirty-two-ninety-eight."

Thomas snaps out of his train of thought and slides his card through the machine, punching in his pin and clicking a few buttons. He begins collecting his bags as Alex hands him the receipt.

"Have a nice day," Alex says, her voice more strained and just polite now.

Thomas smirks at her anyway. "See you later, babydoll."

Alex laughs out loud and shakes her head, "Never say that again."

Thomas laughs and nods, "Agreed." He starts walking away and calls back, "Seriously, you're welcome to come to this movie night."

"Maybe another time," Alex chuckles, moving on to her next customer.

Thomas smiles to himself as he walks away. He really shouldn't be this smitten already, but he totally is. Alex is so beautiful, though, that he can't really find it in him to mind.

***

Thomas goes back to the store the next day because he actually needs things. In his haste to see Alex yesterday, he forgot to get the few necessities he went there to get.

He picks up some toothepaste, some deodorant, a new liquid eyeliner, and a shade of lipstick he just couldn't pass up.

He reaches the line of registers and heads straight for the one he knows Alex will be running.

Except she's not there. In her place is a man that Thomas, unfortunately, knows all too well (though his heart skips a beat at the sight): Hamilton.

He can't help himself; he gets in Hamilton's line.

To his own dismay, he notices how attractive Hamilton looks today. His hair is down and messy, but he looks a little more well-rested than usual. He's chatting politely with the customer at the front, and his eyes sparkle just a little when the customer makes a joke that he can actually laugh at.

Thomas thinks it's rude that he comes here to see Alex when he doesn't have to, and when he actually does have to, he's stuck with Hamilton. Not that he isn't secretly happy to see him. Thomas never gets to see him outside of class, and getting to watch him be something other than angry or argumentative is refreshing. Thomas falls a little more in love with him at the very thought.

He reaches the register and tries to be polite.

"Since when do you work here?" he asks. It was half-polite, at least.

Hamilton looks at him as if he has three heads, which isn't usually an odd response, but this time, he looks sincerely confused at the question.

Then, like a lightbulb going off in his head, his face settles into understanding.

"Not long, now," he shrugs, but Thomas can tell that he's pretending to be less interested than he is. Thomas tries to not think too far into it (the last time he thought too far into one of Hamilton's little quirks, James had to talk him out of running to Hamilton's house and confessing his love).

"So, where's Alex?" Thomas asks, almost awkwardly. Pleasant conversation between the two of them is unfamiliar territory.

"It's me today," Hamilton replies, as if that actually answers the question.

Thomas doesn't push it. Instead, he starts asking questions, trying to distract himself from the way Hamilton faintly licks his lips when he's feeling uncomfortable.

"What do you know about her?" he asks, and Hamilton raises an eyebrow.

"Almost everything," he answers with a shrug. "We're pretty close."

Thomas raises a surprised eyebrow, but then decides that it could make sense. He really doesn't know much about Hamilton's personal life.

"Is she single?" Thomas asks. He's completely aware that he sounds desperate. "What does she like?"

Hamilton gives him a weird look but replies, "She's single, and I don't know that I should answer that second one. Your total is fifteen-eighty-seven, by the way."

Thomas slides his card again, still talking. "I'm just asking, jeez. Do you think she'd be interested?"

"This conversation is making me uncomfortable," Hamilton says quickly, ripping out Thomas's receipt and shoving it at him.

Thomas grabs his bag and receipt and takes a step to the side to the let the person behind him come up, but he still says, "Come on, Hamilton, throw me a bone."

Hamilton rings up one item before stopping and sighing to himself. "I think she might be interested. I don't think she's sure yet."

Thomas grins to himself and then at Hamilton as he walks away. He's left with an odd feeling that he's missing something, but he's so happy with Hamilton's answer that he forgets about it before he walks out the door.

***

Washington dismisses them from class at precisely the time he always does, the exact time on the schedule, and Thomas rises from his seat, James at his side.

James lets out a little cough, a sure sign that he's getting sick again, but then raises his eyebrows and points at something behind Thomas.

Thomas gives him a questioning look but turns around anyway and finds himself facing Gilbert Lafayette, the least insufferable of all of Hamilton's friends.

"Lafayette," Thomas greets them politely, "did you need something?"

Lafayette's voice is lilted with a smooth French accent as they reply, "I just came to ask you about Alex."

Thomas is, obviously, caught off guard. "Alex? What about her?"

Lafayette's expression is smooth and in-control. Thomas wishes his was, too. Lafayette smiles kindly as they ask, "I just want to know if you are truly interested in her - or if this is a passing fancy. Alex is very dear to me, and I will not let her get hurt."

"If you and Hamilton are so close to Alex," Thomas begins suspiciously, "why haven't I seen her until now?"

Lafayette gives him a knowing smile. "Oh, you have, you just have not noticed, I am sure."

Thomas furrows his eyebrows and squints at Lafayette, trying to figure out just what they're hiding, but when he can't discern it, he says, "Yes, I'm interested in her."

Lafayette grins in absolute joy, practically jumping. "Excellent. I will let her know." They giggle to themself cutely and begin to walk away, but before leaving, they turn back and add, "You are in for a treat, Thomas. Alex is very special. Do not hurt her." They mumble something else, but Thomas can't hear it.

He's left feeling odd and uncomfortable, as if everybody knows something that he doesn't. He just hopes Alex isn't as cryptic as Lafayette seems.

He'll go to the store again this weekend. Just to make sure.

***

The weekend seems to take forever to arrive, but when it does, Thomas, in an attempt to feel sane, throws out some bread that was probably still okay just so he can go pick some more up.

He gets to the store in record time and spends about two full minutes pepping himself up. He grabs a loaf of bread and a plastic box of cupcakes and tries to keep himself from sprinting to Alex's register.

Sure enough, she's there, makeup perfectly in place, a beautiful shade of purple on her lips. Thomas notes that she actually seems to have put extra thought into her appearance today and automatically knows that Lafayette told her what he had said.

Her hair falls down around her shoulders in beautiful loose curls, one side tucked behind her ear. Her eyeliner is winged and dramatic, the same shade of purple shadowing her lids and her eyebrows perfectly shaped.

Thomas thinks she might just be the most beautiful person he's ever seen in his life.

Just as he has the thought, stupid Hamilton pops into his mind and he has to correct himself. Alex is _tied_ for the most beautiful person he's ever seen in his life, which is annoying because he's hoping that he can focus on _her_ instead of Hamilton.

He shakes Hamilton from his mind and steps into Alex's line, trying to prepare some witty line, but by the time he gets up there, his mind goes blank because she smiles at him and it's stunning.

All he can manage is, "Hi."

Alex giggles adorably. "Hi, Thomas."

Thomas purses his lips and lifts his eyebrows. "I'm sure Lafayette talked to you."

"They did," Alex nods, but she's smiling as she rings up his items as slowly as she can. There's just one person behind Thomas in line, and they don't seem to be in any rush.

"Good things, I hope?" Thomas asks, almost shyly, a complete change from his usual confident demeanor.

Alex smirks and shrugs. "Mostly. I know probably more than you think I do."

"Well," Thomas begins with a little smile, "I really am interested."

Alex regards him seriously for a moment, thinking to herself. Finally she says, "I haven't decided yet. I'll keep you posted."

Thomas smiles to himself and looks down at his feet for a second. Somehow, that answer made him happier than he would have been if she had agreed with him.

"Take your time," he says, "I can wait."

Alex looks at him with sparkling eyes, grinning, but then something changes, and her face falls. She turns away and mumbles, "That's seven-oh-eight."

Thomas looks at her curiously for a moment but then gives her the money, exact change. He takes his receipt and his bags and says, "I'll see you around?"

Alex looks over at him and smiles a little, but something is still hidden, something almost sad. "Yes, you will," she says, and then mumbles something that Thomas can't hear.

Thomas, a bit confused, starts walking away. He turns back to see Alex already helping the other customer, her back turned. He pauses, then reaches in his bag and skillfully opens the cupcake box, removing one somehow without messing up the soft pink icing.

He quietly sneaks back to the register and, when Alex isn't looking, places the cupcake on the little counter inside her cubicle.

Thomas hurries away before he's caught, wondering why Alex suddenly seemed so upset and why that cute little pout reminded him of Hamilton.

***

The next day, it's nearly midnight, and Thomas absolutely cannot sleep, and he's all out of his cheap sleeping pills, so he climbs into his car wearing only sweatpants, a ratty t-shirt, and his fuzzy house shoes. His hair is a messy halo around his head, but he couldn't care less.

Until he gets to the registers with his sleeping pills in his hand and sees the back of Alex's head. She's standing in her usual lane - which is, of course, the only one open at this hour. He curses to himself and walks toward the register.

But there are people in her line already, and Thomas hears them before he sees them: Lafayette. And Mulligan. And Laurens. No Hamilton, which is weird, but Thomas is thankful for that. He doesn't want both of the people he's interested in to see him like this.

He can almost hear their conversation as he walks up. His plan is to just get in line behind them, but then he hears Mulligan say, "He _gave you a cupcake?_ Dude's in love with you."

"No, he's not," Alex replies bitterly. "He can't be. He's only in love with the Alex he knows."

"Man, he's head over heels," Laurens jumps in. "Not just with 'the Alex he knows.' He knows more than he knows. He just doesn't . . . know it."

"Yeah, that wasn't at all confusing," Mulligan says dryly.

"Alex," Lafayette cuts through, their voice level and clear, "I have seen Thomas look at you. It does not matter who you are when he is around. It is _you_."

Thomas knows that he really shouldn't hear this conversation, but it's so confusing and so very much about him that he just really wants to know what the hell is going on. Why are they all so interested in his level of interest in Alex? They can't be that good of friends if he had never even seen them all together.

Lafayette, Laurens, and Mulligan leave while Thomas is thinking to himself about how crazy this is. Alex is left by herself, and as much as Thomas wants to get to the bottom of this, he doesn't want to face Alex after eavesdropping on her conversation.

He drops his sleeping pills in a magazine shelf and fast-walks out of the store. After hearing all that, the pills wouldn't have helped anyway.

***

Thomas is at his favorite little coffee lounge, which seems to be growing in popularity, because Hamilton and his friends walk in at around noon.

Hamilton is looking extra cute today, and Thomas is really annoyed, because he came here with his book to sip his raspberry tea and get his mind off his romance issues, but here they are, following him everywhere. He just can't catch a break.

The four of them give their orders, and Thomas makes it a point to not pay attention to Hamilton's (peppermint caramel mocha, every time).

And then the seat on the couch beside him is all full of Hamilton, who just can't seem to leave him alone. He hopes that Hamilton will just pick a fight with him. It's easier to argue than to not.

But Hamilton just sits there, not saying anything at all. He just sips his mocha, watching Thomas unabashedly, and Thomas feels his stupid heart swell at how _pretty_ Hamilton is.

"Can I help you?" Thomas asks after a minute, trying to sound annoyed. He doesn't look up from his book.

"I don't know," Hamilton says, his voice flat. "They made me come over here, but I don't know what to say."

"If you're here to talk to me about Alex -"

"Yes," Hamilton interrupts, curling his legs up to tuck his knees to his chest, taking another sip of his drink. "Yes, Alex."

Thomas raises an eyebrow, finally looking over at him. "What about her?"

"She - she likes you," Hamilton says. His voice is strained, and he's nervous as if _he's_ the one confessing.

"She does?" Thomas replies, but it sounds more like a statement. He's trying to sound uninterested, but they both know he isn't.

"Yes," Hamilton says definitely, then shifts himself on the couch with determination. "But she's afraid. She's afraid because -- because she knows about you. And she knows that you don't like -- you don't like me. Or -- or my friends. And she doesn't know how that would -- transfer."

"Why does it matter?"

"Because it does!" Hamilton exclaims, but he clearly didn't mean to. He shrinks in his seat a little. "Because it's important to her. You can't have her without having me. And, uh, my friends."

"If you're so important to her, why are you two never together?" Thomas counters, turning to more properly face Hamilton, who is looking more and more distressed by the second.

"We're always together," he grumbles, "you've just never noticed. And I also, kind of . . . hid her. From you. To protect me -- er, her."

Thomas looks at him in complete confusion. "If you came over here to help me understand what's going on, you're failing miserably."

"Forget it," Hamilton sighs in exasperation. He slides off the couch but turns back to say, "Just be careful. There are things about her that you don't know, and if you want her . . . You have to want _all_ of her."

Thomas walks him walk back to his friends, who get up to leave. As they walk out, Thomas just finds himself more confused and annoyed than he was before.

He came here to stop thinking about Alex and Hamilton, and now they're both on his mind even more than they were before.

Why can't he just pick one and stick with them?

***

Thomas decides that Hamilton and Lafayette were confusing him too much, and if he wanted some answers, his next step would be asking Mulligan and Laurens.

He doesn't want to admit that he followed the group of four into Hamilton's favorite bookstore, but that's exactly what he did, and it couldn't have worked out better, because while Hamilton ran off in the direction of the YA novels and Lafayette made their way to the cheesy romance novels, Mulligan and Laurens hung around at the front with the other merchandise.

Thomas takes a breath and approaches them.

"Laurens, Mulligan," he greets nonchalantly, sticking his hands in his pockets to create an illusion of comfort.

The other two eye him suspiciously, sharing a look. Laurens raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, that's us."

Mulligan asks, politely enough, "Did you need something?"

Thomas opens his mouth to speak, and for a moment, nothing comes out, and he's worried that's he's completely frozen. But then his words start working again, somehow. "I wanted to ask y'all about Alex. Hamilton and Lafayette have just confused me."

"Whatever you're about to ask," Laurens shrugs, "you probably already know the answer to."

Thomas raises an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure I don't."

Mulligan sighs. "Just talk to Alex. Or -- Hamilton. If you really get one of 'em talking, they'll explain everything."

"So, what, should I talk to them together?" Thomas asks, just wishing that all this bullshit would stop so he could start seeing Alex and get Hamilton off his mind for one damn minute.

Mulligan and Laurens share another look, and Laurens lets out a snort. "Yeah, man, give that a shot," he says, but it's just even more annoying because Thomas knows that's just messing with him.

He clenches his jaw and glares at Laurens. He's about to say something snarky and rude, because honestly, he deserves it, this is getting ridiculous. What right did they have to intrude on his potential love life anyway?

Mulligan elbows Laurens in the side and looks back at Thomas regretfully. "It's not as confusing as it sounds. Once you know, it'll make more sense, but . . . It's not our secret to tell."

"Secret?" Thomas asks, raising one eyebrow as he just continues to get more and more annoyed. "What the hell is going on? Why did any of you get involved anyway? It's none of your business!"

Laurens clearly has a hot temper. "The hell it isn't! Alex is my best friend, and after all you've put her through, I think we have every right to make sure she doesn't get hurt!"

"All I've put her through?" Thomas retorts, angry and confused. "What the hell are you talking about? I just met her the other day!"

Laurens begins to yell back, but an employee of the store jumps in first. "Hey, you all gotta calm down or I'll have to ask you to leave," they say, holding up a hand in warning and eyeing all three of them seriously.

Thomas looks over and gives him an apologetic smile. "I apologize for the disruption, darlin'. I was just heading out."

Thomas glares at Laurens and Mulligan one last time before spinning on his heel and heading for the door. Before he leaves, he catches Hamilton's eye, and Thomas thinks he must be seeing things, because it looks like Hamilton is smiling at him. It looks so familiar, but it's so breathtaking that he indulges in it for just a moment and lets himself believe that Hamilton could still be the answer, despite all this trouble with Alex.

Honestly, when it came down to it, he still isn't sure which one he would choose.

***

After a few days of consideration and deliberation, Thomas decides that if he wants to get anywhere, he's just going to have to talk to Alex herself and get to the bottom of this.

He can't stop thinking about her. Alex has taken up his thoughts in the same way that Hamilton usually does -- still does, actually. Now, they're just sharing space, which is more annoying than it should be.

He wants to be able to pick one, but he can't. He thinks about maybe giving polyamory a chance, the way Laurens, Lafayette, and Mulligan do, but he just doesn't think he could do it. He wouldn't function well like that.

And so he's back to having to choose. He briefly considers the option of not choosing either and just moving on, but the second he thinks it, he knows it's impossible. He's been in love with Hamilton since practically the beginning, and he's afraid that the same can be said for Alex, despite how much he doesn't know about her.

So on Saturday, he goes to the store when he knows she'll be there. He doesn't even pretend to go shopping. He jumps right in her lane and tosses some random pack of gum on the conveyor belt.

Alex smiles at him when she sees him, but there's something underneath it.

Thomas makes sure to talk first. "Listen, this is getting weird. Your friends have made this really confusing. I'm still interested, and I'm not giving up, but we gotta clear some shit up."

Alex seems taken aback. "Here? Right now?"

Thomas reaches into his pocket and takes out the slip of paper he prepared beforehand (he checked seven times on his way here to make sure it was still there). "Here's my number. Call me when you have time."

Alex, who had been ringing up the gum while he was getting the paper out, didn't acknowledge his direction. She said, "one-fifty-two."

Thomas, caught off guard, pauses for a moment before shaking himself out of it and handing over the money. She gives him the change and his receipt.

Alex looks at him sadly and sighs. "I already have your number. Meet me at that coffee lounge tomorrow at eleven."

Thomas furrows his eyebrows. He fucking hates how much he doesn't understand. It isn't fair, this shouldn't be happening, he should be able to get a crush and go on a date without it being this ridiculous and complicated.

He doesn't say anything as he takes his bag and walks away.

***

Thomas really wishes that he had enough self control to not show up at the coffee lounge the next day, or at least enough self control to show up late. Instead, he walks in at eleven o'clock exactly. What he sees isn't what he's expecting.

The place is empty except for the barista behind the counter on their phone and Hamilton. Of course, Hamilton. Of course something like this would happen.

Thomas walks in annoyed, despite noting how beautiful and terrified Hamilton looks right now. "What the hell, Hamilton? Where's Alex?"

Hamilton swallows thickly as Thomas reaches the couch. He stands up with a steadying breath and shoves his hands in his pockets. The shrug he gives is anything but casual.

"It's me."

Thomas wishes this meant something. "Of course it's you, I see you right here, I'm asking about _Alex_."

"No, Thomas," Hamilton shakes his head in annoyance, "God, don't you get it? It's me. I'm Alex. I always have been."

Thomas furrows his eyebrows as the world starts to spin wildly out of control around him. He can't comprehend this. It's too crazy, it doesn't make any sense. Hamilton and Alex are absolutely not the same person, it's impossible. Alex is beautiful and witty and fiery, and Hamilton is . . .

Fuck. Hamilton is beautiful and witty and fiery. Fucking shit.

No, no. It's still ridiculous.

"Seriously, Hamilton," Thomas snarls, "this isn't funny anymore. Stop fucking with me. Haven't you ruined me enough already?"

"Me? Ruin you?" Hamilton chokes incredulously. "Listen, I don't think you realize the effect you've always had on me. You've done nothing but belittle and insult me."

"What the hell does that --"

"I'm not done," Hamilton snaps, his own frustration clearly rising to the surface. "You were _terrible_ to me, Thomas. And I know I was pretty shitty too, but the point still stands. But then -- but then you saw me the other day at the store, and I thought you were just going to make fun of me. I hid it from everyone except Herc and John and Laf, especially from you because I just knew I'd never hear the end of it.

"I just knew you'd go on and on about how it isn't real and how it's stupid and should be considered some fucking mental illness or some asshole shit. But you didn't recognize me. I couldn't believe it. And not only did you not recognize me, but you flirted with me. Thomas fucking Jefferson, flirting with me. Only in my dreams, huh?"

Hamilton laughs bitterly and shakes his head, not meeting Thomas's eyes. Thomas, on the other hand, is still so fucking lost that it's not funny. He's just trying to play catch up in whatever game Hamilton thinks he's playing.

Hamilton continues. "I can't believe you didn't know. I can't believe you didn't figure it out. You're smart, right? Top of your class? Ha. Still couldn't see under a few layers of makeup. Flawless makeup thanks to Lafayette, granted, but still. Couldn't tell it was me. Couldn't tell that you didn't have to flirt with me to get me to fall in love with you."

"Hold the fuck up, Hamilton," Thomas interrupts, throwing one hand up in the air and running the other through his hair. "You're not making any sense, I don't understand a damn word you're saying --"

"Oh my God, Thomas!" Hamilton exclaims in exasperation, flailing his arms around, "what don't you get? _I'm Alex! Alex is me!_ "

Thomas doesn't realize that his breathing is a little labored. He just doesn't understand. It doesn't make any sense. Alex is Hamilton? Hamilton is Alex?

"Listen, Hamilton," Thomas says quietly, calm and collected as he can be, "I don't know what you're talking about. I just don't know. Please explain this to me with a little less frantic yelling."

Hamilton looks at him with some desperate, sad expression that he doesn't know how to interpret. "Sit."

Thomas raises an eyebrow but does as he's told. Hamilton takes the seat beside him and turns to look at him. "Thomas. What do you know about gender identities beside just male and female?"

Thomas looks at him as if he's got three heads but answers anyway. "Uh, I know Lafayette is -- I think nonbinary? Like neither one? I did a lotta research a long time ago, but --"

"What about genderfluid?" Hamilton prompts, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.

Thomas furrows his eyebrows a little and is about to say something about how he knows what it is and just doesn't have any experience with it when it clicks.

It suddenly all makes sense. His face falls into an expression of surprised understanding.

"Holy shit," he mumbles to himself, looking Hamilton right in the eyes. Looking Alex right in the eyes. "Oh my God. Fucking hell. It was you. The whole time, it was you."

"That's what I've been trying to say," Hamilton replies, but he follows it with a chuckle. Thomas still sees caution in his eyes, and suddenly Hamilton's previous spiel makes so much more sense. And so does his fear of acceptance.

Thomas nearly stumbles over his words as he tries to explain as quickly as he can, "I don't think it's stupid or made up and some kinda mental illness. I wouldn't make fun of you, Hamil -- Alex?"

"Hamilton today," he answers, a smile creeping onto his lips, those lips that had on flawless lipstick just the day before.

"Hamilton," Thomas repeats thoughtfully. "Hamilton. And Alex. Shit."

Neither of them says anything for a moment. They let the revelation settle onto the couch cushions with them.

And then Thomas starts giggling, then cackling, then full-out laughing to himself, shaking his head at how ridiculous and incredibly typical this is.

Hamilton looks confused. "What's funny?"

Thomas's laughter dies down to a little chuckle as he says, "Of fucking course. I can't escape you."

Hamilton's eyes narrow and Thomas can see the immediate anger and hurt in his eyes. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Not like that, Hamilton," Thomas shakes his head, still chuckling. "It's just -- I thought 'Alex' could have been the person to finally help me move on from you, but shit, of course it was still you. It's only fuckin' you."

Hamilton's anger and hurt turn into careful suspicion. "Are you saying --?"

"You said 'Alex' liked me?" Thomas asks, and Hamilton nods. "Is that still true?"

Hamilton shifts uncomfortably in his seat, wringing his hands and looking at the ground. "Well, kinda. I mean, yes, but -- it's more like a hopeless love or something," he answers, his voice growing quieter the more he talks.

Thomas is filled with so much right now. So much understanding and relief and almost happiness and love. Fuck if he doesn't love Hamilton with all his heart.

"It's not hopeless," Thomas says plainly. "I was always in love with you, Hamilton. Fucking hated every second of it, but yeah."

Hamilton pauses for a moment, then lets out a laugh. "Yeah. Same."

"This is bullshit," Thomas laughs, shaking his head. "Everything makes some kind of crazy sense now."

"Yeah," Hamilton huffs in a chuckle.

They sit quietly for a moment, letting themselves rest in this newfound revelation.

Of course, Hamilton can never let silence stay for very long.

"So are you gonna kiss me or what?"

Thomas snaps his head over to see if he's joking. One look at his face says no, he's not joking at all, and it takes him a second, but Thomas grins like the sun and kisses him, deep and full, holding his head in his hands, keeping him close.

Hamilton responds immediately, smiling a little into it as he contorts himself to get a better angle, pushing Thomas back against the arm of the couch and giving him everything he has.

It's so much more than Thomas had ever imagined it could possibly be, whether he was imagining it with Hamilton or Alex.

Hamilton pulls away for just a moment, just far away enough to grin and joke, "So who do you choose? Hamilton or Alex?"

Thomas just pulls him back into another kiss and smiles into it. Choosing is overrated anyway.

***

"Oh my God, Alex, as in _Alexander_!"

"Thomas, it's the middle of the night, go the fuck to sleep."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i wrote this in a day or two, so i hope it's okay. i'm just kinda getting back into the swing of writing, i stopped for a really long time. hopefully i'm gonna get on a roll again.
> 
> okay so disclaimer: i'm nonbinary, not genderfluid, so if i unintentionally wrote or portrayed anything inaccurate or offensive, i apologize, please let me know. 
> 
> thank you for reading!! if you want, you can reach me on insta @a.lexnb or on tumblr @a-lexnb <3


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